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Start with what you actually observed, not what you suspect it means. Describe the specific event and its effect on you, invite the other person’s account, and agree on a practical next step. That approach can clarify what happened without turning an unresolved concern into an accusation.
Separate what happened from what you think it means
Before raising the issue, write down the specific action, decision, or words that concerned you, when it happened, and how it affected you. Keep that account separate from your interpretation of the other person’s motive. The U.S. Department of Defense Psychological Health Center of Excellence advises people to “Stick to facts, not assumptions” and use clarifying questions to avoid misinterpretation (Health.mil communication guidance).
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For example, “The plan changed after our meeting, and I felt concerned because I’m responsible for that part” gives the other person something specific to address. “You don’t respect me” assigns a motive and makes the conversation about defending character instead of explaining the change.
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Choose a time and explain your purpose
Raise the subject when both of you can give it attention. Health.mil recommends setting aside time and removing distractions. The CDC notes that a supportive conversation can happen in person, by phone, text, or video; whichever format you choose, put distractions aside and make clear that you want to understand what happened (CDC, “How to Listen and Support Someone in Need,” August 26, 2024).
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You might open with: “There’s something I’d like to understand better. Can we talk about it now, or choose a time that works?” If either person is too upset or distracted to listen, agree on a later time rather than forcing the discussion.
Describe the concern without presenting a suspicion as fact
Use a first-person statement that connects the event to its impact, then leave room for missing context. A practical structure is:
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“When [specific event] happened, I felt [feeling] because [effect or need]. I may not have the full picture. Can you help me understand what happened from your perspective?”
This adapts advice from Health.mil and the State Government of Victoria’s Better Health Channel, both of which recommend speaking from your own experience and avoiding conclusions about another person’s motives (Better Health Channel, “Relationships and communication”). An “I” statement should name your feeling or concern, not disguise an accusation: “I feel that you’re dishonest” is still a claim about the other person.
Listen first, then ask clarifying questions
Let the other person finish their account before asking a series of questions. Open-ended prompts such as “What happened from your perspective?” or “Could you tell me more about that?” invite an explanation without suggesting the answer. The CDC includes “Tell me more” among its supportive listening prompts. The VA’s mediator checklist likewise recommends open-ended questions, paraphrasing, and summaries; as its checklist puts it, “You can’t listen while you’re talking” (VA Mediator Checklist).
After they have finished, check your understanding in neutral words: “Let me see if I understood: you changed the plan because ____. Is that right?” The VA’s guidance on clarification cautions that frequent questions early can interrupt someone’s story, and recommends clarifying after the speaker has finished (VA, “Listening to Clarify,” updated June 16, 1998). A paraphrase is a check, not a verdict; listening does not require agreement.
Agree on what happens next
You do not need to settle the whole relationship or reach a final judgment in one conversation. First identify what you both understand, what remains disputed or unclear, and what would help address the concern. Then agree on a specific action and, if useful, a time to check in.
For example: “We agree the plan changed after the meeting, but we remember the reason differently. Could you send me changes directly next time, and can we check in after the next meeting?” The Canadian Institute for Conflict Resolution recommends confirming what has been understood, what remains unresolved, what each person will do, and when to follow up (CICR, “Difficult Conversations: How to Handle Them”).
Independent reader supportYour contribution helps us test, update, and keep practical guides available for everyone.Decide whether a direct conversation is appropriate
A private conversation is not always the safest or most effective first step. CICR identifies circumstances where added support may help, including repeated inability to listen, emotions that keep overwhelming the discussion, significantly deteriorated trust, power differences, multiple parties, or a need for a formal or protective response.
Quick Recap
- Try a direct conversation when both people can speak freely, listen, and discuss a concrete next step.
- Consider support when the same discussion repeatedly breaks down or a power imbalance makes it hard for one person to participate. Depending on the situation, CICR names conflict coaching, facilitated conversation, group facilitation, and mediation as possible forms of help.
- Prioritize protection or formal channels if the situation may be unsafe or coercive, or requires an official response. Do not treat a private conversation as a prerequisite for seeking appropriate help.
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