If you think a partner may be monitoring your phone, pause before changing settings or removing anything: they may notice, and a sudden loss of access could increase risk. If you can, use a device they cannot access to contact a domestic-violence advocate and make a plan. If you are in immediate danger, use the safest available way to contact local emergency help.
What might “monitoring” mean?
Monitoring does not always involve spyware. A partner might know your passcode, have access to a shared Apple or Google account, see your location through a sharing feature, or receive information on another device where your account is signed in. Messages can also sync to a phone, computer, tablet, or online account. The National Network to End Domestic Violence describes these kinds of access in its Safety Net guidance.
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Stalkerware is software installed on a phone without the owner’s knowledge. Depending on the software, it may expose location, calls, texts, email, photos, videos, browsing activity, or other information. It is designed to evade detection, so a phone that appears normal does not rule it out. The Federal Trade Commission explains these risks in “Stalkerware: What To Know”.
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Are there signs someone may be monitoring my phone?
Possible clues include unusual battery or data use, overheating, unexplained restarts, a partner knowing your exact location or private conversation details, or the partner having had unsupervised access to your phone. These signs are not a reliable diagnostic test: each can have other explanations, and a lack of obvious signs does not establish that the phone is clear. The FTC’s guidance cautions that stalkerware can be difficult to detect.
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What should I do before changing anything?
Consider whether using the phone to search for help, make a call, remove an app, change a password, or stop location sharing could be visible to the other person. The FTC warns: “Taking any of these steps could tip off your abuser — especially if you make a call, use your phone to research your options, or have a conversation near your phone.” Changes could also escalate a dangerous situation, so there is no universally safe order of technical steps.
Where possible, contact an advocate from a device that may be safer, such as a trusted person’s phone. Before a reset or replacement, ask an advocate about preserving evidence if that matters to you; resetting or replacing a device can remove information that could be useful later. Do not feel you have to investigate or remove suspected spyware yourself before asking for help. The FTC and NNEDV Safety Net both recommend safety planning around device changes.
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Choose a safer way to communicate
A borrowed device, donated phone, or separate pay-as-you-go phone may offer a way to contact support, but none is automatically private or right for every situation. Consider whether the device and its accounts are independent of the partner’s access, and whether obtaining or using it could be noticed.
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|---|---|---|
| Trusted person’s borrowed device | May let you contact an advocate without using your current phone. | Use a person and device you trust; consider whether the call, messages, or browser history could be seen by someone else. |
| Donated phone | May provide a separate device without requiring you to buy one. | Check who controls its accounts and settings, and whether using or keeping it could be noticed. |
| Separate pay-as-you-go or new phone | Can provide a separate communication channel; the FTC says a new phone with an account the abusive partner cannot access might be safest in some situations. | It is not a guarantee against monitoring. Consider the cost, account independence, and whether acquiring it could create risk. |
NNEDV discusses borrowed, donated, and pay-as-you-go phones as possible options in its survivor safety and privacy guidance.
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If it is safe, secure access in a deliberate order
The steps below are options to consider, not a requirement to act immediately. Make changes only if they fit your safety plan; an advocate can help you think through what the other person might notice.
- Protect physical access. Keep control of your phone when possible. Use an automatic screen lock and a passcode the partner does not know. The FTC recommends a passcode of at least six digits and changing it if an abusive partner knows it. Consider whether changing it could draw attention.
- Update the phone and apps. Install available operating-system and app updates if doing so is safe. Keeping software current is among the FTC’s recommended security steps.
- Review who and what is connected. Check signed-in devices, trusted or verification phone numbers, account-recovery methods, and location-sharing settings for the services you use. Review synced devices as well as the phone: texts or account information may be available elsewhere.
- Change exposed passwords and add two-factor authentication. Use strong, unique passwords for accounts the partner may know or access, and turn on two-factor authentication when doing so will not create an added safety risk. If appropriate, secure your email account first because it may be used to reset other passwords. The FTC recommends strong passwords and two-factor authentication.
- Check accounts beyond the phone’s main account. Review messaging, email, social media, cloud storage, and other accounts separately; changing a phone setting does not necessarily revoke access to those services.
The FTC’s stalkerware guidance covers passcodes, updates, strong passwords, and two-factor authentication. For Apple-specific sharing and account settings, see Apple’s Safety Check guide.
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What Apple Safety Check can—and cannot—do
On an iPhone running iOS 16 or later, open Settings > Privacy & Security > Safety Check. Apple describes two options: Emergency Reset, which quickly stops sharing broadly, and Manage Sharing & Access, which lets you review and change selected sharing and access. Choose only after considering how a change may be noticed; Apple does not say that either option is safer for every situation.
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| Manage Sharing & Access | Review and change selected people, apps, and information. | More selective, but requires reviewing settings and does not cover every way someone might access information. |
Safety Check can review sharing with people and apps, devices connected to your Apple Account, certain app permissions, your iPhone passcode, and your Apple Account password. Apple says the feature cannot review or change non-Apple accounts and passwords, social-media sharing, devices using a different Apple Account, or app sharing on an iPad or Mac. It is a settings tool, not a spyware detector or a complete audit of every account. Apple also notes that some choices may be limited by Screen Time restrictions or mobile-device-management profiles, and that changes may be noticed. See Apple’s Safety Check documentation for the supported-iPhone details.
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Where can I get help in the United States?
The National Domestic Violence Hotline currently lists calls to 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), texting START to 88788, and live chat on its website. Contact methods and availability can change. If speaking aloud or using your current phone may be unsafe, NNEDV notes that online chat, text, a borrowed device, or a separate phone may be alternatives; choose the option that fits your circumstances.
An advocate can help you weigh safety, communication, account access, and evidence before you make changes. The NNEDV Safety Net resource also lists national support and technology-safety considerations.
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